Henry was sick all evening, so now I’m hand feeding him ice cubes and tiny bits of cracker. It is the fucking cutest thing I’ve ever been a part of.
Tuesdays are my favourite
I wake up at 10ish and watch This Morning which reminds me of being a toddler, watching it after cartoons as my mum ironed in the living room. I snuggle a still sleepy Henry then make coffee and something to eat or smoke joint.
I have therapy at one and ~work thru my issues~. I never want to go but I’m always glad once I’m there and once I’m done. I’ve always been like that.
Then I go and get coffee, and yeah, I have been getting pumpkin spice lattes but shut up because they’re cliche for a reason. Shit’s fucking delicious, okay?
It’s been sunny and warm here, but the leaves are falling into crisp piles on the pavement. And there’s the ever present cool breeze from the beach which I follow with Henry. It makes me so happy to see him so happy, frolicking in the sand, curious but afraid of the waves.
I’m trying to be more mindful of everything, and really savour the little things.
I’m so dumb tho lol, if I read back here I can see that I knew things I’m only jus consciously realising.
Yo do you know what I figured out in therapy last week? I write here to lay (lie?) bare and be vulnerable and be safe with people I don’t really ~know~. Because I’m scared of doing that in real life in case I get hurt again. And again.
If you find a girl that is willing to go through hell just to keep the relationship going, you really shouldn’t take her love for granted.
Going through hell for someone and in return being taken for granted was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Never. Again. (via sunflower-mama)
I know my mood is about to get real low when I want to listen to songs that remind me of my dad. It’s a shaky feeling, and it’s scary. Within the space of a few minutes I can go from fine, to nothing will ever be okay again. And I know it’s bad when I think about my dad because usually that’s just a dull achey pain that I can ignore, but it starts to pull me down and make me cry.
I want to lie down and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep more. I don’t ever want to move from my bed or change out of my dirty t shirt. I wish the dog would just chill out and go back to sleep because I feel bad that he’s bored, but I don’t have the patience or energy to play with him or take him for a walk. I will though.
During a debate about the Scottish referendum (and the state of mental health care), I told my two closest friends in Aberdeen - my flatmate and his girlfriend - that when I saw my doctor about seeing a therapist I had to wait like 10 weeks even though I had expressed not an intent, but an interest in hurting myself. Neither of them said anything or have brought it up since. In fact, I’ve hardly seen either of them since. They’ve stayed here once in the past week.
My other friend, who was one of my favourite people in the world, flat out stopped talking to me during my break up and has since deleted me on Facebook. I don’t know why she stopped talking to me. But for now: I am giving up on people. I’m not going to expect anything from anyone and I’m not going make an effort either. It hurts too much when it feels so one sided.
My therapist says that because of my past - after my dad died my brother and I were basically told (by my maternal family, not my mum herself) not to have feelings and to take care of my mum. My nurturing side has developed and left my ability to be nurtured pretty much null. He wants me to tell people how I feel and what I need. But I feel like, if telling people THAT isn’t enough, what’s the point? They know that I’ve been told to take 2 months off, and I can’t remember the last time either of them asked me how I felt and really meant it.
Anyone who has seen that sensitive side of me - Iain, Gemma, Lily, even Graham…hasn’t cared. They take their time to get me to open up and then abandon me with it all. And I can’t anymore. So I’m just gonna spend all my time with weed, and Henry and new friends without getting close to them.
I’m so saddened and disheartened that people seem to have voted out of fear rather than hope. For themselves rather than the greater good. Voting to protect their financial interests and the interests of big business; frightened by the mainstream media which has been despicably biased. I can’t believe we’ve been fooled by the posh Westminster twats again. I’m going back to bed.